Planet of the Umps: A Baseball Life from Behind the Plate - Softcover

From The Wit And Wisdom Of Ken Kaiser:

"When I graduated from high school in 1964, I had no precise plans for my future. My long-range plan was lunch. The only thing I know about umpire school was that they didn't look at your SATs."

"When the Rookie League season ended, they fired me. Well, they didn't exactly fire me. At the end of the season, they promoted one umpire and let the rest of us go. And maybe they said something to me about 'ever again seen in the state of Florida.'"

"The most important rule to any umpire is Rule 8.96, Section XVII, Paragraph ii. Or was it paragraph iii? Or maybe it's section VIX. It's known as the Bluff Rule, and it exists only on Planet of the Umps."

"The worst ballpark in which I ever worked was in Salem, Virginia. If they named stadiums for sponsors at that time, this place would have been called Purgatory Field."

"Of course, the most memorable feuds I had were with Earl Weaver. There were so many reasons not to like Weaver, but the primary one was that he complained about every single pitch. People used to say that Earl wasn't happy unless he wasn't happy. He was the only person I knew who could end happy hour just by showing up."

"I was at third base at Yankee Stadium and I heard an unusual kind of thumping sound behind me. I turned around and saw a knife sticking in the ground.... Under the circumstances I did the only thing possible; when I pulled it out of the ground, I showed it to Nettles. 'Hey, Graig,' I said, 'look what somebody threw at you.' "It reminded me of what one of the old-time umpires said when asked what he remembered most about the New York fans. After thinking about it for a minute, he said, 'They had terrible aim.'"

"This very funny memoir offers a hilarious look into life behind the plate." -Publishers Weekly

"Two Things Nobody Wants To Grow Up To Be Are An Umpire And Broke. Thanks To My Career In Baseball, I Got Both."

After calling balls, strikes, and outs for thirty-six baseball seasons and more than 3000 major league games, umpire Ken Kaiser finally called it a career. From the first day he hit a minor league catcher with a pool table to the fateful day baseball called him out on a strike, Kaiser was one of the game's most popular and colorful characters. And in this autobiography-written with the co-author of Ron Luciano's classic bestseller The Umpire Strikes Back - Kaiser brings to life his wild adventures from the pro wrestling arena to the baseball diamond.

This is the hysterically true story of four decades of baseball as lived and loved on the playing field, from Ted Williams and Billy Martin to Derek Jeter and Mark McGwire, from one-eyed umpires to space-age technology. And as he did throughout his long and sometimes controversial career, the larger-than-his-chest-protector Kaiser called 'em as he saw 'em.

"A quick, smart look at Major League Baseball."-The New York Daily News

"An enjoyable insider's view of baseball." -Booklist